My father is standing near the swings at Fort George Park.
For some reason he is angry.
His fleece pullover characterizes the day -
grey.
Grey Saturdays:
When the clearest blue sky can’t banish the feeling that
even if you slept all day you’d still wake up tired
and the hottest shower in the world
couldn’t rid you of your clammy underarms.
Your eyelids droop mid afternoon and the grey seeps in –
transcending the spectrum – settling in your bones.
Strange how a piece of clothing,
remembered,
can mean so much.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Dreams
Matchmaker, matchmaker...Creative chaos on a canvas dreamscape.
Discovered tabula rasa in the morning
all is as it should be.
Triangles are turned square
with four matched corners.
Three times a bridesmaid
all in one day
all are brides –
all are one.
Athenian slumber.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Sketching out with God
You found me in the corridor,
my body aching for sleep
yet frantic with activity.
Between cracked and peeling walls
you offered a hand.
Rebellious teenager turned lost child
I clung to it in dumb silence
and you led me
quaking
through the ebb and tide of euphoric bodies
into daylight.
my body aching for sleep
yet frantic with activity.
Between cracked and peeling walls
you offered a hand.
Rebellious teenager turned lost child
I clung to it in dumb silence
and you led me
quaking
through the ebb and tide of euphoric bodies
into daylight.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
what went on while i didn't have the internet
Vivian in Edmonton
September 2, 2007
11:00 pm
Having successfully negotiated the rugged highway she found herself in a strange new land. Traffic lights hung the wrong way, avenues and streets had three digit numbers, and worst of all her private room had more than one bed in it. The air was clearer here, free of the wireless signal that connected her to home. Fearing that she had been cut off from the world she new panic rose like a knot in her throat and the pressure behind her eyes became almost unbearable. However, the bubbling conversation of an uncannily similar roommate calmed the storm about to break through the surface and after rearranging the furniture in the single turned double room the land that had recently seemed so strange held an attractive glow.
Of course hastily made dinner plans and party invitations still weighed on her mind but those fears could be stored away for the morning and with the exhaustion of someone who has finally reached the mountain summit she fell into bed unbothered by frantic dreams for the first night in a long time.
September 3, 2007
3:50 pm
An afternoon bike ride seemed like just the thing now that her awkward lunch with the girl down the hall was complete. 23W Avenue lead past herds of growling motorists and multitudes of row housing but it was the least unfamiliar so she followed it to see where it might lead. After several harrowing intersections her arrival at the south common shopping centre should have been as if entering a safe haven from the motorised beasts of the main transit arteries. However, the internal combustion powered wilderness only gave way to the perhaps more daunting jungle of urban humanity. It amazed her that she made it in and out of Superstore and Staples alive so great was the crush of bodies inside she had feared that masses would swallow her whole. Buoyed by her successful hunt and the possibility of wireless communication with home the return trip, now familiar, sped by as only a well traveled road can.
11:02 pm
An improvised dinner and a missed movie later she found herself chatting with a noisy group of returning students, her hesitant roommate hanging back. Conversation turned into an invitation to Boston Pizza and with several blisters on her feet and a cup of hot chocolate in her belly she returned to a dimmer and more intimate campus. A self professed head-case introduced himself seeming friendly and just interesting enough that she decided he might be worth knowing. Later he offered her pizza in the parking lot and mistook her inability to eat wheat for meat and called her a vegetarian.
Afterwards, an inquiry into her roommate’s Christian background led to a long discussion on personal revelations of Christ and a baring of souls. Finally though they slipped into sleep and she was pleased to note the anxieties of her old life had become even dimmer, all but one. But that could be left for another day.
September 4, 2007
2:27pm
Exhausted from the morning orientation and career fair she flopped as gracefully as possible onto her bed now a fully fledged member of the women’s Futsol team and an itinerant cartoonist for the school newspaper. The pressure to commit to extracurricular activities had born down like a wave as soon as she had entered the gym, fortunately though, the desire to track down second hand textbooks overpowered the urge to join student council and she made it safely through without too many added commitments. Now lying on her bed, the wind singing through the trees outside her window, she contemplated the coming semester; what had seemed so daunting and strange from the confines of Prince George now offered a welcome respite from the frantic socialization everyone seemed to be set on cramming into the first few days on campus. Textbooks whispered soft promises of solitude calming her frazzled social nerves. A snack seemed like just the thing to get her back on her feet for the rest of the day so she headed for the kitchen in search of an apple.
September 5, 2007
9:38pm
Entering the gym late she found herself in the middle of group prayer and the foreboding sense that even here she wouldn’t fit welled up inside her for a moment. Her relationship with God seemed too casual for the heads bowed in reverent contemplation. An annoying wasp, the word “just” leapt from every phrase stinging with its audacity. She wondered why we have the compulsion to ask God to “just do this” or “just do that” when if we had the gumption to demand that mountains be moved He would shift the continents for us. It came as a revelation to her that though her body had outgrown its awkward adolescence her faith was only just entering this pimply, confused, and peer pressure ridden phase of life. In high school she had hardly ever submitted to the in crowd’s social demands however, here being cool seemed to carry with it the ticket to being tight with God. Authentic or not it was something she longed for. She wished God would move mountains for her yet she lacked the courage to ask for fear of the earthquakes it might cause.
September 6, 2007
7:55am
Her aunt had given her a flip book of devotional type quotes, thoughts and scriptures. After dragging herself out of bed at the insistence of her kids Timex alarm clock she flipped the page on the book to September 6. It read “If you have a serious problem in a relationship, ask God to...heal it... Every time you think of that person, praise God for him or her. Thank Him for bringing them into the world and for all the good things you can think about them... Praise Him... and thank Him that He can redeem anything... even the words you shouldn’t have said or the damaging and hurtful things someone did to you.” Moments from a dream the night before flooded her mind. She had crossed mountains to get to Edmonton so perhaps it was she and not mountains she needed to ask God to move.
9:27pm
9:49pm
10:14pm
She had decided a trip to Starbucks was necessary. Inviting whoever wanted to go with her, a group of 15 Taylor students had descended on the unsuspecting coffee house of corporate evil that she loved so well. The field trip was considered a success by all though some scoffed at the rainbow viewing on the way back.
A Prayer for Diana
Your body is a temple.
This is not a restriction but a celebration of beauty and strength.
You were built by God for God.
His creation
of unique and dazzling beauty.
Know this with your mind
and he will write it on your heart.
September 8, 2007
1:59am
Her first trip off the island of faith the Taylor community seemed to create, was for a very auspicious occasion – a frat party. Entering the house she felt a relieving sense of anonymity sweep through her. A face in the crowd there were no offers or expectations she had to decline. It was as if a pressure she hadn’t known was there lifted itself from her shoulders in this staggering, beer-bonged environment. It was exactly what she needed after the social intensity of residence orientation. Nobody cared who she was and she returned the favour.
September 2, 2007
11:00 pm
Having successfully negotiated the rugged highway she found herself in a strange new land. Traffic lights hung the wrong way, avenues and streets had three digit numbers, and worst of all her private room had more than one bed in it. The air was clearer here, free of the wireless signal that connected her to home. Fearing that she had been cut off from the world she new panic rose like a knot in her throat and the pressure behind her eyes became almost unbearable. However, the bubbling conversation of an uncannily similar roommate calmed the storm about to break through the surface and after rearranging the furniture in the single turned double room the land that had recently seemed so strange held an attractive glow.
Of course hastily made dinner plans and party invitations still weighed on her mind but those fears could be stored away for the morning and with the exhaustion of someone who has finally reached the mountain summit she fell into bed unbothered by frantic dreams for the first night in a long time.
September 3, 2007
3:50 pm
An afternoon bike ride seemed like just the thing now that her awkward lunch with the girl down the hall was complete. 23W Avenue lead past herds of growling motorists and multitudes of row housing but it was the least unfamiliar so she followed it to see where it might lead. After several harrowing intersections her arrival at the south common shopping centre should have been as if entering a safe haven from the motorised beasts of the main transit arteries. However, the internal combustion powered wilderness only gave way to the perhaps more daunting jungle of urban humanity. It amazed her that she made it in and out of Superstore and Staples alive so great was the crush of bodies inside she had feared that masses would swallow her whole. Buoyed by her successful hunt and the possibility of wireless communication with home the return trip, now familiar, sped by as only a well traveled road can.
11:02 pm
An improvised dinner and a missed movie later she found herself chatting with a noisy group of returning students, her hesitant roommate hanging back. Conversation turned into an invitation to Boston Pizza and with several blisters on her feet and a cup of hot chocolate in her belly she returned to a dimmer and more intimate campus. A self professed head-case introduced himself seeming friendly and just interesting enough that she decided he might be worth knowing. Later he offered her pizza in the parking lot and mistook her inability to eat wheat for meat and called her a vegetarian.
Afterwards, an inquiry into her roommate’s Christian background led to a long discussion on personal revelations of Christ and a baring of souls. Finally though they slipped into sleep and she was pleased to note the anxieties of her old life had become even dimmer, all but one. But that could be left for another day.
September 4, 2007
2:27pm
Exhausted from the morning orientation and career fair she flopped as gracefully as possible onto her bed now a fully fledged member of the women’s Futsol team and an itinerant cartoonist for the school newspaper. The pressure to commit to extracurricular activities had born down like a wave as soon as she had entered the gym, fortunately though, the desire to track down second hand textbooks overpowered the urge to join student council and she made it safely through without too many added commitments. Now lying on her bed, the wind singing through the trees outside her window, she contemplated the coming semester; what had seemed so daunting and strange from the confines of Prince George now offered a welcome respite from the frantic socialization everyone seemed to be set on cramming into the first few days on campus. Textbooks whispered soft promises of solitude calming her frazzled social nerves. A snack seemed like just the thing to get her back on her feet for the rest of the day so she headed for the kitchen in search of an apple.
September 5, 2007
9:38pm
Entering the gym late she found herself in the middle of group prayer and the foreboding sense that even here she wouldn’t fit welled up inside her for a moment. Her relationship with God seemed too casual for the heads bowed in reverent contemplation. An annoying wasp, the word “just” leapt from every phrase stinging with its audacity. She wondered why we have the compulsion to ask God to “just do this” or “just do that” when if we had the gumption to demand that mountains be moved He would shift the continents for us. It came as a revelation to her that though her body had outgrown its awkward adolescence her faith was only just entering this pimply, confused, and peer pressure ridden phase of life. In high school she had hardly ever submitted to the in crowd’s social demands however, here being cool seemed to carry with it the ticket to being tight with God. Authentic or not it was something she longed for. She wished God would move mountains for her yet she lacked the courage to ask for fear of the earthquakes it might cause.
September 6, 2007
7:55am
Her aunt had given her a flip book of devotional type quotes, thoughts and scriptures. After dragging herself out of bed at the insistence of her kids Timex alarm clock she flipped the page on the book to September 6. It read “If you have a serious problem in a relationship, ask God to...heal it... Every time you think of that person, praise God for him or her. Thank Him for bringing them into the world and for all the good things you can think about them... Praise Him... and thank Him that He can redeem anything... even the words you shouldn’t have said or the damaging and hurtful things someone did to you.” Moments from a dream the night before flooded her mind. She had crossed mountains to get to Edmonton so perhaps it was she and not mountains she needed to ask God to move.
9:27pm
9:49pm
10:14pm
She had decided a trip to Starbucks was necessary. Inviting whoever wanted to go with her, a group of 15 Taylor students had descended on the unsuspecting coffee house of corporate evil that she loved so well. The field trip was considered a success by all though some scoffed at the rainbow viewing on the way back.
A Prayer for Diana
Your body is a temple.
This is not a restriction but a celebration of beauty and strength.
You were built by God for God.
His creation
of unique and dazzling beauty.
Know this with your mind
and he will write it on your heart.
September 8, 2007
1:59am
Her first trip off the island of faith the Taylor community seemed to create, was for a very auspicious occasion – a frat party. Entering the house she felt a relieving sense of anonymity sweep through her. A face in the crowd there were no offers or expectations she had to decline. It was as if a pressure she hadn’t known was there lifted itself from her shoulders in this staggering, beer-bonged environment. It was exactly what she needed after the social intensity of residence orientation. Nobody cared who she was and she returned the favour.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Vivian is a work in progress
This is a "just listen" list so ignore the videos that go with the songs
Happy Together
Performed by The Turtles
Mary, Mary: Stigmata Remix
Performed by Chumbawamba
If You Go Away
Performed by Emiliana Torrini
In the Waiting Line
Performed by Zero Seven
Fidelity
Performed by Regina Spekter
In The Sun
Performed by Joseph Arthur
Never Saw Blue Like That
Performed by Shawn Colvin
Good Mother
Performed by Jann Arden
Tubthumping
Performed by Chumbawamba
Happy Together
Performed by The Turtles
Mary, Mary: Stigmata Remix
Performed by Chumbawamba
If You Go Away
Performed by Emiliana Torrini
In the Waiting Line
Performed by Zero Seven
Fidelity
Performed by Regina Spekter
In The Sun
Performed by Joseph Arthur
Never Saw Blue Like That
Performed by Shawn Colvin
Good Mother
Performed by Jann Arden
Tubthumping
Performed by Chumbawamba
Thursday, August 9, 2007
The Ghost of Autumn Past
Today could have been autumn and I was reminded of a little girl in a brand new red jacket. Pausing at the top of the public stairs she felt sunshine fill her nose until the urge to sneeze was too much. Achoo! The crisp air rushing into her mouth in the wake of the controlled explosion tasted sharp and tinny - like a key chain she used to suck on as a child, only better. Green that would soon be turning to red and gold rustled in the breeze, a last reminder of summer past, and she stepped forward - out of the moment and into the rest of her life.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
in the waiting room
Sitting in my doctor's office I find myself reading the childhood development charts for the nth time in the past three years. I have already memorized the areas of the world where I should buy bottled water. I have no interest in testing my sight today and even the plastic model of the female reproductive system fails to hold my attention. I have spent countless hours of my life sitting in this office reading and re-reading the health care propaganda.
Why do I spend so much time in this outdated mauve room? The answer is simple. I am an addict. I am addicted to citalopram - a drug commonly marketed as Celexa. In truth I am no different than the George Street junkie looking for her next hit. However I have a socially acceptable explanation.
It's ok for me to be an addict.
My dealer is my doctor.
Monday, June 4, 2007
a light in the window
something almost syllabicly rhythmic. something out of my head. something. I'm not sure where this came from or what it means but here it is.
a light in the window
Light a candle for all to see
a light in the window
Light a candle for all to see
He’s coming
He’s coming
Put it in the window or
He’ll miss us
He’ll miss us
Pass us by without a thought
Forgotten
Forgotten
Light a candle for all to see
He’s coming
Now He’s here.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
An Afternoon in April
We are careening down the hill towards the Cameron Street Bridge.
Obsolete it offers nothing but stone pylons to the oncoming traffic
He is zipping ahead
His bike is too small
Our destination only a vague memory
I am afraid he will crash.
A rock will slide under is tire
Or in turning he will catch the edge of the sidewalk
And he will fall
Scraping along the pavement in the warm April sun.
Anxious I hang back
Not sure if I trust him.
Unaware of my fears
He blithely races forward
Eager for the next turn.
Obsolete it offers nothing but stone pylons to the oncoming traffic
He is zipping ahead
His bike is too small
Our destination only a vague memory
I am afraid he will crash.
A rock will slide under is tire
Or in turning he will catch the edge of the sidewalk
And he will fall
Scraping along the pavement in the warm April sun.
Anxious I hang back
Not sure if I trust him.
Unaware of my fears
He blithely races forward
Eager for the next turn.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
thoughts...
When people told me that life would have its rough patches I naively thought that they meant being late for buses and having relatively unimportant spats with my friends over silly words or missed phone calls. No one told me that rough patch meant having your heart and soul ripped out and shoved back in again after it's been dragged through gravel which never totally washes away. As Chris poetically told me last night either those people don't know or they are huge jerks. I don't think my life is so much different from the ordinary so I'm going with the latter. I know it shouldn't come a such a big surprise that life is not so easy as it seemed when I was little, yet I am still shocked every time the clouds roll in. Go figure.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Captain America is Dead
So I was flipping through the entertainment section of the paper this morning when the title "Captain America is Dead" caught my eye. Having grown up on second hand comics I am one of those people who care when Marvel or DC kill off one of their characters. However, despite the fact that it sucks that America's namesake super hero is dead, America's namesake superhero is dead! The guy who punched Hitler in the face was shot by a sniper on his way to the courthouse for his trial for refusing to sign the superhero registry. Now maybe I'm reading too much into this but what does this really mean for America. The article conjured up images of terror watch lists and if-you're-not-with-us-you're-against-us political posturing. the comic book industry feeds the country' huger for fiction and consequently has its finger on the pulse of the nation. America's freedom fighter is dead, so what is marvel trying to tell us about sentiments in the US towards freedom right now?
Of course maybe he isn't really dead and this is only a clever plot twist but either way I think Captain America has made his point. Rest In Peace.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Leaving it Behind...
I think the fact that I won't be here next year is finally starting to sink in. Six months ago this didn't seem like such a bad thing. I wasn't really connected here. I was a semester behind everyone at school, I had lost touch with most of the people I knew from high school and new connections just weren't happening. Fast forward six months. I am going dancing with ten plus people Friday night whose company I really enjoy. Rebekah and I have lunch twice a week, I have a strong home church to check in with once a week, my relationship is on the up and up and I'm reconnecting with a few of the people I lost touch with after high school. So I should be really happy right? I am except for the fact that in about another six months I'm going to have to pack up and leave it all behind. I'm accepted, registered, and set on moving to Taylor University College and Seminary in Edmonton in September. I'm excited, terrified and now a little sad because I finally have a life and it seems a shame to leave it behind to start over in a place I don't even know if I'll like. I will miss this.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Cinnamon Buns
I don't do this very often so it is always an adventure. Kitchen Chemistry has always been something that yields unpredictable results - even more so now I have to use alternative flours to the conventional ground up wheat kernels. Today was no exception. I decided I had to have cinnamon buns so I threw together a haphazard mixture of corn, potato, rice and tapioca flour and went from there. It was all going well and I was almost ready to subject my handiwork to a dehydrating temperature. However, it was at that point realized I had forgotten to add the sugar. I usually do this, I have no idea why. Anyways I had to kneed in the sugar with my hands but everything else went well after that. Of course there is the fact my carbohydrate creations look like lumpy lumps but I assure you they taste great and I even remembered to clean up after myself. I really don't know what the world is coming to.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Loving the Political Spectrum
I was having a bad day
an up, down, all around bad day.
So he explained to me that
happier = sadder
and degrees of freedom are only one less the original number.
Love is more political
than rays of light
or visible radiation.
Socialists become reactionaries
far faster than the Canadian right ever will.
Crossing the floor leads to burnt bridges,
attack campaigns take precedent over the truth,
and it is taken for granted that promises will be broken.
Yet we still vote…
at least
I do.
Edmonton
So I just spent the weekend in Edmonton and despite the icy winds and lack of snow removal it was a lot of fun. Except for the gut wrenching terror of course. OK I'll explain. I'm going to have to put my New Zealand plans on hold so I can go to school next year - that is if I want any money for tuition. Anyways I've been accepted into a Christian University/College and though I really do want to go I'm terrified that I will either come out brainwashed or get kicked out for immoral behavior. So I'm scared but excited and tropical beaches sound really good right now.
I got a quick peak at the residences I'm required to live in because I won't be 21 until next March. They remind me a little bit of some of the hostels I stayed in when we went across Canada only dirtier with a lousy kitchen. Luckily mom said she'd help me wash the walls when I move in.
Still It's very scary because I know Jesus loves and accepts me but I'm still a little unsure if they will.
I got a quick peak at the residences I'm required to live in because I won't be 21 until next March. They remind me a little bit of some of the hostels I stayed in when we went across Canada only dirtier with a lousy kitchen. Luckily mom said she'd help me wash the walls when I move in.
Still It's very scary because I know Jesus loves and accepts me but I'm still a little unsure if they will.
Friday, February 16, 2007
New Zealand
So I desperatley want to travel to New Zealand at some point in the next few years so i've been doing a little reading on the country. Here are some fast facts:
1. bungee jumping was invented in New Zealand
2. the Kiwi has stuby wings so it can't fly
3. they have every environment in the world except for a desert
4. the temperature only varies about 10 degrees between summer and winter
5. the canadian dollar is worth about 1.28NZ$
I still have no idea which parts of the country I should visit though so if you have any ideas send them my way.
1. bungee jumping was invented in New Zealand
2. the Kiwi has stuby wings so it can't fly
3. they have every environment in the world except for a desert
4. the temperature only varies about 10 degrees between summer and winter
5. the canadian dollar is worth about 1.28NZ$
I still have no idea which parts of the country I should visit though so if you have any ideas send them my way.
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